Art by Gabriel Mateo

When my children first came home from foster care, life was different for all of us. I was clean and sober, thrown into a new apartment with three little strangers. My children were 10 years, 5 years and 2 weeks old when they were removed and 12, 7 and 18 months when they were returned.

Boy did my children let me know they were mad that they had been in foster care. My son was like, “F-you” about everything. They’d say to me, “You a crackhead.” I had to stay calm. My attitude was: “Ok, I sold your video game and smoked crack with the money. We established that. It’s done. What else you got?”

When my children saw that the guilt trips they tried to run on me were not working, and that I was going to continue on with my sobriety life, they came back to me and got on board. But for real, they were going crazy for two or three years. Yes, my kids and I went through it. I just kept telling them, “I’m not giving up on you.”

Old-School Techniques

I was very confused about how to parent my children at first. The fact is, during my children’s early years I used the parenting style I learned from family members. You know the model: beat your children if they disobey you, beat them if they talk back, beat them if they get in trouble, steal, have sex at a young age, act disrespectful. Beat them!

Don’t get me wrong, some of the old school techniques are good and important. For example: have manners, be polite, respect your elders—that’s a must. My children and grandchildren abide by these rules. But techniques like, “Children should be seen and not heard” and beating or controlling your children had to go.

I wonder where this method originated. My theory is that, for my community, it began with slavery. Parents probably figured that if they beat their own children, their masters wouldn’t, and this would save the children’s lives. The method was meant to protect children.

But beating your child doesn’t really work. It creates silent and enraged children. These children grow up to be abusive adults, rigid and insensitive to their own children’s feelings and needs.

I Needed to Change

Once I took parenting classes, I realized that the model I mimicked was not legal. If I wanted to keep my children out of foster care, I needed to change my style.

But when my teenage son started running wild, I didn’t know how to respond. My son was having many problems at school, at home and in our neighborhood. He started getting high and gang banging. I thought I was going to bury my son before he was 18 years old.

I was so afraid of disciplining him the old way, but all I knew how to do was yell at him. We were arguing and cursing all the time. Our relationship was crazy.

‘What Can I Do?’

Then came a knock on the door: A detective from the local precinct came at 2 a.m., holding a manila folder as thick as a cinder block. The detective had evidence that my son had been committing robberies dating back two years. My son and I sat at the kitchen table with this detective. That was the first time I saw my son smoke a cigarette. He was tight.

I looked in his face and asked him, “Did you do these robberies?”

He said, “Yes, Mommy.”

“Well, then you must take ownership,” I told him. We wrote a full confession and the judge sentenced him to 15 months in a group home.

I started thinking, “Really, what can I do to parent this kid?” I thought back on the parenting and anger management classes I took when my kids were in care. I decided to create a parenting style for my son that I called, “Firm as a father, soft like a mother.”

Keeping My Distance

When he got locked up, I let him do his time. I didn’t run up to every visit or send packages and money. I didn’t write letters or accept phone calls all the time. I was not in court for every court date. I didn’t scream and beg and cry. I let him do hard time for 15 months, firm like a father.

I felt that running to his aid would enable him—it would give him extra attention for doing negative things—and I believed that would only encourage him to commit crimes again. If he got locked up, I’d come running.

When my son came home, he hugged me and kissed me. He said he had learned his lesson. I was glad I didn’t cater to his nonsense and reckless choices. But once he was home, I began listening to him more, soft like a mother. I encouraged my son and held him to the standards he set for himself.

Soon my son dropped his gang activities, went back to school and got his GED. At 20, he is now a responsible father and is exploring starting his own business.

Trying Straight Talk

I faced similar challenges when my daughter was around 14 years old. My daughter was suddenly a whole new child. She began hanging with sexually experienced girls and started asking a lot of questions about boys.

I did my best to detour her from sex, but my best was not good enough. Soon I found out that my daughter was having sex with a 17-year-old boy. I was shocked, but I knew that if I overreacted, she would not open up to me, so I tried to play it cool.

We sat down in the living room and I asked her, “Why are you dealing with older boys and having sex right now? It seems like you’re too young.” I explained that I was not trying to take away the wonderful experience of sex, but that it is a sacred act for two people who love each other, and that I worried that the sex she was having could come with painful experiences, like unwanted pregnancy and STDs.

We didn’t flip out on each other, but straight talk did not help my daughter.

Learning to Listen

She started cutting school and running away from home. It was so serious that I went to the child welfare system for help before they came to me, charging me for educational neglect because she was truant. The caseworker told me to put her in therapy and I reconnected her to our former foster care agency for therapy. But she went to three sessions and refused to go back.

Once again, I had to dig into my bag of parenting skills and find a way to reach her. I realized that my daughter didn’t need tough love, she needed nurturing, compassion, connection.

I started having girl talk with my daughter. I didn’t do much talking; I just listened openly. We even invited her runaway partners over to our house to have real heart-to-hearts. The other parents thanked me and tried the same thing.

My daughter is doing much better now. She stayed with my grandmother for two years and recently moved home again. She went back to school and her GPA went from a 40 to an 87. She applied to a college program in her high school and was accepted. She also got a job and is now working at our local supermarket. My daughter is doing well for herself.

No Child Is Alike

As teenagers, my children needed two different parenting styles. My son needed me to let him experience the consequences of his own mistakes. My daughter needed me to come closer. Both needed me to listen. My youngest child is 10 years old. I can’t wait to see what style will help him thrive as he grows older. I’ve realized that no child is alike and no parenting model is right for all children.

I try to use patience, open-mindedness, understanding, empathy, nurturing, respect, kindness, honesty, courage, security and discipline. To be honest, these skills came from the many classes I completed while my children were in foster care. I’m thankful that I learned these skills. It needed more tools to deal with my children.

All Children Need Kindness

I believe parents should surrender the punitive parenting styles that they suffered as children. Adults who are good providers associate brutal beatings with their success. They tell their children, “It worked for me, it will work for you.”

But we have learned that it doesn’t really work. Children need to feel safe. They need your support to get ready to be responsible.

I understand that parents need to feel respected in their homes, and that learning new parenting skills takes diligence and practice. But I like the new model and use it. My children are doing better than they were. They’re not perfect, but show me a child who is.